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Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "beeeep bip bip beeeeep bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with a pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog."

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and forward them to your boss marked "urgent".

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Finish all yours sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on the first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train at your next Thanksgiving.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "oh lala!"


only type in lowercase

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says as a question.

Write "X--BURIED TREASURE" in random spots all over roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

At the laudromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and start again.

Drive half a block.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, cultivate a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off in case "the big one comes."

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in peoples brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies "Sugar,"or the Mr. Rogers' theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to "John Aaaaaaaasmith" for the great glory of being the first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the Opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-sugWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for another seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at the static on your TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," then scan people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the thirty-first of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what
you're doing throughout the day. For example: 'If anyone
needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be or

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they
want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,
doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain
that there was nothing here, lean back, rub your stomach,
and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the company coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch
to Espresso blend.

Adjust the controls on your monitor so that the
brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist
to others that you like it that way.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Order a Taco Bell Grande at the Burger King drive
through then ask why they are preventing you from having it
'Your way.'

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