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Ascendo tuum

14 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmates
1. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
2. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
3. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
6. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
7. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
8. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy, boy!"
9. Say, "Interesting ... more floaters than sinkers."
10. Put peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops! Could you kick that back over here please?"
11. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
12. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine Alfredo you had for breakfast.
13. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
14. Let a candy bar melt in your hand. Then reach under the stall and ask to borrow "a few sheets."


Laws to remember:

1. If you dance with a grizzly bear, you'd better let him lead.
     (The law of "volunteering")

2. When putting cheese in the mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
     (The law of common sense)

3. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
     (The know-when-to-quit law)

4. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
     (The law of common sense)

5. There are days when no matter which way you spit, its upwind.
     (The first law of reality)

6. When you starve a tiger, the tiger starves last.
     (The second law of reality)

7. Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly distributed.
     (The third law of reality)

8. Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
     (The fourth law of reality)

9. Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy.
     (The law of goal setting)

Forrest Gump...Life is like a box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer...People are like a box of chocolates...
Forrest Hefner...Keep the chocolate, lose the box...
Forrest Of Borg...All chocolates must be assimilated...
Forrest Bones...Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a box of chocolates...
Forrest Clinton...I didn't inhale the cream centers...
Forrest Nicholson...You want chocolates? You can't handle the chocolates!!!
Forrest X...We didn't land on the box of chocolate; the box of chocolates landed on us...
Forrest Eastwood...I know what you're thinking..Did he eat 5 chocolates, or was it 6? Well, let me ask you feel hungry, PUNK? Well...DO YOU?...
Forrest on phonics...Lif iz lik a boks uv chakolets...
Chief Justice Forrest Thomas...I never touched her milk-duds....

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having a Cyberaffair

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
8. During sex, she screams, "a : / enter insert!"
7. She makes sarcastic remarks about your so-called "hardware."
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
4. The giant rubber inflatable disc drive.
3. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
2. The fax file is full of pictures of some guys ass.
1. ?

1.  What's the Cuban national anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation.
    A different bar.
3.  Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
4.  What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
    than the other?
    A speech impediment.
5.  What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
    flying at
    half-mast? They're hiring.
6.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? 
    Because they're not going to work in the future either.
7.  What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under
    each arm?
    A pimp.
8.  Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
    the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
9.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
    northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
    the cage, along with a recipe.
10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
    the F word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
11. What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a
    southern fairy tale? 
    A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
    A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sheeeeit..."

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

...turn your head sideways...

This one is great at Christmas. Losers everywhere link to this image on my server, then I upload a ...let's just say, a *cough* indelicate image in it's place. Ahhh...good times, good times...

>My wife and I were happy for twenty years ...then we met.
>I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

This is a link to the top level page of Are you impressed? Hmmm? Little turned on? Yeah, baby...why don't you make yourself comfortable?...

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