### Freeware jokes!



*HOME DEPOT SCAM: BE ON THE LOOK OUT* A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.  Mabel was going out of town for a few days. She left her two cats and her elderly mother in the care of her husband, and off she went. The next day, she called home to see how everything was going. Her husband answered the phone, and after catching up a bit, he said, "Oh, by the way, one of the cats died." "Oh! How awful! You brute!" she sobbed. "How can you just blurt that out like nothing is the matter!" "I'm sorry, honey," hubby said. "But how else could I have told you?" "I don't know!", she wailed. "Anything! Tell me he's on the roof or something, then the next day that he's hurt. At least I'll be expecting something!" Her husband finally got her calmed down, and after a while, they said goodbye. The next day, she called again. After catching up, she said, "So...is anything else new?" Her husband replied, "Well...your mother is on the roof."  Minimum Wage (n) Your employers way of telling you, "I would pay you less if I could." Famous Last Words • I'll hold the fuse, you light it... • Nice doggie... • Watch this! • I wonder where the mother bear is? • That's odd...  The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."   Two antennaes got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.   Two muffins were in the oven. The first muffin said, "Boy, it sure is hot in here!" The second muffin said, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"  The Lonely Little Brain Cell Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" and from somewhere far, far away she heard....... "We're down here!"   As Natalie came skipping home from school one day, she called out, "Mommy, Mommy! We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day, she came skipping home from school again. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde." Natalie came skipping home from school the following day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No, honey, it's because you're 25."   Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"   Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ............the restaurateur Guday................the half-Australian brother Huray...............the sports fanatic Sashay..............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay....the twins from the African mother Sayhay...................the baseball player Ojay........................the stalker/murderer Gulay......................the singer/entertainer Ebay.......................the internet czar Biliray......................the country music star Ecksray..................the radiologist Puray......................the blender factory owner Regay.....................the half-Jamaican brother Tupay......................the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Lattay.....................the coffee shop owner Bufay......................the 300-pound sister Dushay...................the clean sister Phayray..................the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway..............the grocery store owner Ollay........................the half-mexican sister Gudlay....................the prostitute Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.   Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"  A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you fool!" the man shouts, "This is her husband!"  An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three men, points at a pile of sand behind them and, pointing at the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of supplies." "I'm going to be gone for a while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys have made a dent in that pile". The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks up to them and shouts "What the heck have you been doing for the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from behind the sand and yells: "Supplies!"   Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." Dyslexic man walks into a bra.... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.   A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kent and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at a window, "I want to open a damn checking account". The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it! I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about this rude man. They both return and manager asks the old man, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem" the man says. "I just won$50 million in the
damn lottery and I want to open a damn account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this the bitch that is giving you a hard
time?"



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he says, "Ms.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.  The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that$30,000 is a substantial
amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the
loan.  She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure.I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall.  Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager
and  disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.  A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?" Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't." "Then where did you get the idea?" she asked.   A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."   In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't put the lantern down... I think there's another one to come!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. And once again, he implored the father: "Don't put down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya thank it's the light that's attractin'em?   Climbing up on a bar stool, the string asked for a beer. "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" "Well, yes, I am." "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." The determined string left the bar and stopped a passerby. "Excuse me," it said. "Would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The passerby obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, please?" it asked the bartender. The barkeep sat a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."  A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "****, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "****, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "****, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "****, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "****, I missed."   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.  Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues disappear behind a bush. The bush commences rattling and shaking like no one's business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still got twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."  What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Kansas, and a divorce in Alabama have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer home. Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."  A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."  I had a dent in my car, and asked my mechanic for a rough estimate. He kicked me in the groin and said, "$400."

A skeleton walked into a bar and said, "Give me a beer and a mop."

A man and woman were heading west. Everything is fine for a while; then
the mule stumbled. "That's
one," the man said. They go along for a while, then the mule stumbles
again. "That's two, " the man
says. They go along for a bit, and the mule stumbles again. The man
pulls out a gun and shoots the
mule. "Why did you do such a dang fool thing for?" his wife yelled.
The man says, "That's one."


Or as dad always said, "Well, son, sometimes the tooth fairy is drunk and takes an eye instead."

When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep. Like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Mom always believed in strong family bonds. Every year, on the last day of school, she would come pick me up and take me to Grandpa's place for the summer. I guess that's when I developed my fondness for cemeteries.

I was making love to my wife the other night, when the cat walks in, yawns, and lays down. "I'm sorry if I'm boring you," I said. My wife said, "That's ok."

An old man said to an old woman, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am." She said, "Pull down your pants and I can." He pulls down his pants, and she said, "92." The man said, "That's right! How did you do that?" She said, "You told me this morning."

It was my wife's birthday last week, and I wanted to surprise her with a car, but I missed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can drop a load in the washing machine, and it won't follow you around for weeks, asking why you haven't called.

Q. How can you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?

A. Footprints in the custard.

An Englishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his *****. He walks up to the barman. The barman looks at him and says, "Hey, did you know you've got a steering wheel on your *****?", and the man replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts".

...or as the dentist said to his wife: "Now just close your eyes and lay back...you may feel a little prick..."

A man and his wife were having dinner in a restaurant, when a beautiful blonde walks up to the man, whispers in his ear, and walks away. "Who was that?" his wife asks. The man hestitates a bit, then says, "Well, that was my mistress, if you must know." She's stunned, and doesn't know what to say. Finally, she says, "I want a divorce." The man looks at her and says, "Are you sure? Do you want to give up the boat, the summer house, the furs, the jewelry?" then continues to eat. She just stares at him. Just then, a married friend of theirs walks by with another woman. After a while, she says, "Ours is much prettier."

I got my first professional massage the other day. The massuer was a man, though, and I'm wondering...is he supposed to kiss you on the neck and chest while he does it?

God said to Adam: "Adam, I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is, I've given you something to think with, and something to have fun with. The bad news is, I've only given you enough blood to use one at a time."

And of course, the obligatory lawyer jokes in the popular Q & A format:

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Take your foot off his head.

Q:How do you save a lawyers life? A:Cut the rope.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities.

The couple were going out for the evening, and decided to give the butler the night off. During the night, the man, being male, said something. His wife stormed out and went home.
Arriving home, she saw the butler sitting in the living room. "Jeeves," she said, "come into the bedroom."
Jeeves followed her into the bedroom. "Jeeves," she said, "sit on the bed." Jeeves sat.
"Jeeves," she said, "take off my blouse."
Jeeves took off her blouse.
"Jeeves," she said, "take off my bra."
Jeeves took off her bra.
"Jeeves," she said, "take off my skirt." He did.
"Jeeves," she said, "if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

My daughter wanted birth control pills. My wife said it was ok, but I didn't, so we compromised and got her placebos.

If you throw a cat out the window, is it kitty litter?

A burglar snuck into a house one night. He paused a few feet in to let his eyes adjust to the light, when out of the darkness came the words, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar was terrified. He froze. After a long period of utter silence, he started to leave, when the voice came again. "Jesus is watching you." Frantically, he pulled out a flashlight, found the light switch, turned it on...and saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. Relieved, he said, "And what's your name, bird?". The parrot replied, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a bird. What kind of idiot gave you that name?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of idiot that named the pitbull Jesus."

A woman was being fitted for a wedding dress. She said to the seamstress, "I'd like the dress to be white since I'm still a virgin." The seamstress said,"But this is your fourth marriage, how can you still be a virgin?" The bride-to-be replied, "Well, my first husband was a psychologist; all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist; all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector....God, I miss my third husband."

Home Essentials Software
Upgrade Precautions For: Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little
system resources available for other applications. He is now
noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which
are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the
product brochure or the documentation, though other users have
informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of
the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself in
such a way, that it is always launched at system initialization,
where it can monitor all other system activities. He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5,
and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected (even though they always
worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no
option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
*An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of
cache and other system resources.
*An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode, which
would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be
much more useful.
I myself, decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife
1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I
found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend
2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0
first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should
have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have
conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters
worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work
very well, leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up
Wife 1.0.
***********BUG WARNING**********
Wife has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling
Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming "insufficient resources".
******BUG WORK-AROUNDS*******
To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and never run any file transfer applications such as
LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that
have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

How the traditional Angels on top of the Christmas tree got started
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime they had while making toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas Tree! I sent that sutpid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree came to pass...

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever used the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself
another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son
come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut
and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought
that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his
women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
Your mentor is named Bubba-Wan Kenobi


Bumper stickers:
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full -- Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God (Buddha)
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me
Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit
Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
Boldly Going Nowhere
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?



Rules for writerers by Dan Rosenbaum
     1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one
would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use
them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand
times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can
use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid
colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than
understatement.
34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional
scenarios complicate simplistic matters.
And finally...
35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.



Ten Rules of Writing Good Writing
By Jed McKendrick
-----------------

In our hectic, word-based society, it's good to know
how to use words good. For instance, as a marketer
on the internet, it might be good if you could use
words good.

Because you might want to write an article with
words, so here are some rules about it:

1. Parts of Speech Add Zest!

Parts of speech include things like nouns, pronouns,
verbs, and proverbs. They can really spice up your
articles, so sprinkle them throughout your articles.

like a big lump of words. Or like a bunch of smaller
lumps if you use paragraphs. Try to choose a

If you are not very smart about the subject of your

4. Sentence Length!

Readers get distracted by different sentence
lengths. It's not important how long your sentences
are as long as they are all the same. When you are
done writing an article, go back and take some words
out of the long sentences and put them in the short

5. Include Some Knowledge!

For instance, if your subject is How To Make More
Sales, you should actually include some information
buy something from you, hopefully something that
doesn't suck.

6. Don't Use Words You Don't Know!

One of the most horipulating things you can do to a
reader is use words semaphorically. If you're not
sure what a word means, just ejaculate it for
another one.

7. Use Action!

their hair with explosive, action-packed verbs, of
which I can't think of any right now.

8. Exclamations Get Attention!

HEY!!!!

See?

involved in a dialog even though you can't. Still,
it's a really good thing to do. One way to achieve

Wouldn't you agree?

10. End On A High Note!

Try to say something really good right at the end so
want to buy something from you, hopefully something
that doesn't suck.

And don't forget to wrap up by reminding the reader
what everything you just said was, like that it's
good to write good because it can benefit you!


         Things you wish you could say at work (part one):

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard
to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of
crap.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
darn.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is
another question.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Thanks, (defunct)"//www.langa.com">Fred!(/defunct)

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the
neck and shake him in rhythm.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in
bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you
and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand
Recognition.



Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a butthole.



Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it
take to change a light bulb?

A: Exactly Five Hundred:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list
that the light bulb has been changed
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be
stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all
use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different
light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to
post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this
list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them
Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was
meant for, leave it here.



EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Dateline: Firebringer News Service (FBNS)

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to
our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs
show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has
sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers,
or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even
weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago,
when the prospect of selling one hundred billion
hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs
have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100
billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00
Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will
convince the public that, in over thirty years, no
McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold,
causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence
in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as
almost certain to force the already-troubled
company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push
the teetering American economy over the brink,
which, finally, will complete the total devastation
of the global economy, ending civilization as we
know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know---the sign-makers---are really
scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know
about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD
GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the
hills.

WARNING! NEWSPAPER VIRUS!

If you receive a newspaper with an article
IT.

Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the
will cause the printed characters on the newspaper
to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a

This particular virus is very nasty in that
it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that
you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become
unusable.

As well, any computer screen viewed with
infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a
pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative.
The New York Times this morning confirmed the
existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are
now investigating it.

THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE
UNITED STATES OPTICIANS SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL
READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINGED SUNGLASSES

PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-
MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN
ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE
U.S. POSTAL SERVICE

There is a new virus out there in cyberspace called Goodtimes.
This is a particularly bad virus.
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but
it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness
setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking
on your television and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your
ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid
its socks out on the coffee table when there's company
coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your
good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late
for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a
penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off
behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel
room to your Discover card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she
is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It
moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on
and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamines
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on
the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your
new snowblower.
-- anonymous

There is a new virus going around, called
"work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all,
whether via email, internet or simply handed to
you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our
building for months and those who have been
tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have
found that their social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are
faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the
virus, send an email to your boss with the words
pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten
document form, simply lift the document and drag
friends and order three pints of beer (or rum
punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you
will find that "work" will no longer be of any
relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the
greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your
address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your
address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has

Beware of.............................

THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Drains all the data out of your computer, then emails everyone

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to
stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus....

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
it through Windows)




MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!

The heaviest element known to science was recently
discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research
university. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant
neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately
three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES
over time, since with each reorganization some of the
morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is
spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as "critical morass."




FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) ? Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control
and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth
disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed
to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft
Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow,
director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save
millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite
Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister.
"By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has
recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook,
which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy,"
"Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden
University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just
that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding
that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies
in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting
that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven
virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue
a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable
to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant,
but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is
more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had
Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she
recalled. "Who would've thought?"


http://satirewire.com/news/0103/outlook.shtml

Bumper Stickers:
     Dain bramaged
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
CATS The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you! Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores! You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. Grow your own dope, plant a man. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots....I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will...I want to be in it. We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else. Honk If You Want To See My Finger   Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurts Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 500 millinaries: 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds 1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms   Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Heroes \hee-rhos' \ What a guy in a boat does Left Bank \left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty \mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with Primate \pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief \ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring Selfish \sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does Subdued \sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's Control \kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist  Bread Kills! 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death. 5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative: o 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread. o 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread. o 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread. o 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident. o 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently. 6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate. 7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day! 8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 12. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.   1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it "The herd shot 'round the world." 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as: "The lesser of the two weevils." 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving, once again, that: "You can't have your kayak and heat it, too." 5. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West hopping on three legs. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to his friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.   The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan- Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 2:18 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. -- From the langalist   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. If you lend someone$20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.



The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather
than German which was the other possibility. As part of the
negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in
the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the
fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze
unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!





Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

Redmond, WA - Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has
purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. "We've been after Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal."   Dyslexics have more fnu Clones are people, two Eschew obfuscation Atheism is a non-prophet organization Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy What if there were no hypothetical questions? Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway  Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.  Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6 If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.  Redneck Computer Virus---As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all of the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.--- Bubba   Hi! Kevin's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.   Inter-department memo from the MIS management Attention: As many of you are aware, there are several security protocols available for network authentication, such as PAP, CHAP, MS-CHAP, etc. However, it has become necessary, due to the increased ability of hackers to thwart these and other defenses, to implement our own new, proprietary authentication the Challenge-Response Authentication Protocol, or C.R.A.P. We will begin installing C.R.A.P. on all servers and workstations immediately. As soon as the laptops have gone through the "C.R.A.P.-on-your-lap" upgrade program, the remote users will have to go through C.R.A.P. to connect to the network over a modem. Portable C.R.A.P. will not be very different from desktop C.R.A.P., and both versions are expected to generate similar quantities of paperwork. Once all the machines have C.R.A.P. on them, we expect the first round of bugs to appear. We will have extra support personnel on hand to deal with bugs brought to light by the presence of C.R.A.P.. Eventually, we expect to make the network even less appealing to hackers by implementing additional layers of C.R.A.P.. Once the C.R.A.P. becomes thick enough, we don't think anyone will try to get in anymore. So, the next time someone tells you that we have C.R.A.P. for security, you can smile and proudly agree. The MIS management  Some women say computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you to solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. Some men say computers should be addressed in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language that they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.   Etch-A-Sketch Technical FAQ For Computer Users: Q: My Etch-A Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.   The World's Shortest Books 20. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates. 19. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno. 18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver. 17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino 16. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton. 15. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan. 14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman 13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore 12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean. 11. America's Most Popular Lawyers. 10. Detroit - A Travel Guide 9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches. 8. Everything Men Know About Women. 7. Everything Women Know About Men. 6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette. 4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club. 3. The Amish Phone Directory. 2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson 1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton.   1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk.. 5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam. 12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.  An important message for AOL members from Steve Case: These next three or four aren't so great, but my guess is you're unemployed:  Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishees. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.   I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the$250.00 Neiman-
true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation
and \$5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report
his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he
got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped
a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was
only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little
boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American
Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail
he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch
of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and
forward it to 10 people, you will have good luck but 10 people
you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10
people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the
poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way
he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To
be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot
as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and
you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of
Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and
cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores
under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your
emails forever.





FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to
Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It
tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT
let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with
Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that
the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it
and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few
tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really
meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the
Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus
but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with
a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire
city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your
concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize
how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector





CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS:

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! The whole problem takes
less than a minute. Work this out as you read or you can use a
calculator! Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than
10 times) [note: other versions of this substitute other
activities for "having chocolate..."]
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
4. Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator......)
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You
should now have a three digit number. And here comes the good
part:
The first digit of this number is your original number (i.e.,
how many times you want to have chocolate [or whatever] each
week). The next two numbers are your age.





IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get
a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you
get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get
fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT
WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT
WORK...they are called managers.





Things Computers Can Do In Movies

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution,
will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing,
"ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See
"Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer
even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also
slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really
advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their
surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks
and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the
You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See
"Demolition Man".)
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30
minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three
seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per
second.
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly
before the entire building will.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen
(See "Clear and Present Danger").
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where
it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any
platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no
labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation,
photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a
CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their
face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your
keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and
"computer" an 3 results are returned.)
However blurred, out-of-focus a photo may be, imaging technicians can deliver the most hi-
resolution image from it (see X-files, CSI, and Raising Sun)



Win98 Source Code Revealed!

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu()) {
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
{
bsod(random_err());
crash(to_dos_prompt);
}
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

"We saw the MacQuarium and said, 'Let's put a bong inside one
instead,'" Agapornis said. "We were probably stoned."

"A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both and deserve neither" - T.Jefferson

"We don't have shelterinis." - Moe

"The cobbler's kids never have new shoes."

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

RIGOR MORRIS
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.

Swiper no swiping!
Swiper no swiping!
Swiper nooooo swiping!

Thanks to attrition.org for unknowingly but in the spirit of the GNU license furnishing the 'chicken' and 'dog' images

   (     (                                                                      _______
))    ))   .-"There's always time for a good cup of coffee"-                  >====<--.
C|~~| C|~~| ----------------------------------------------------------- '     |     =|-'
--'  --' ----------------------------------------------------------- '     ------'

                (__)
(oo)    Mathematical Cow
/---------\/     (Developer of cow-culus)
/ | x=a(b)||
*  ||------||
~~       ~~
`

370HSSV-0773H