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WARNING! Right on! DON'T MESS WITH YOUR REGISTRY IF YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Right on! One wrong keystroke, and yo' pc be wasted. You's've been warned.

All uh dese gots been done t'my two Pentium 133mhz runnin' clean installs uh Win98. Of course, YOUR machine may melt into some big puddle uh plastic, so's always make some backup uh de registry and make sho' man ya' know how t'use it. Man!
Play it safe. Make only one change at some time, restart da damn clunker, and make sho' man everydin' wo'ks as it should. Close any jimmey applicashuns befo'e messin' around wid de registry, gots yo' backup handy, and wear some scarf, ferchissakes, ya wanna catch some cold? Whut's wrong wid ya'?
Much uh dis kin be done wid TweakUI, but whut fun be dat?

Add text t'de system clock, dig dis:
Go t'HKCU\Control Panel\Internashunal, and create some new chittlin' value called
Double-click it and enta' yo' text fo' de value data. WORD!
Create anoda' strin' value, and dojigger it
and put da damn same text as de s1159 chittlin'.
(I duzn't know de characta' limit yet, aldough it kin hold eight letters.)

To set Windows 95 t'puh'fo'm some constant refresh uh stash and folda' views, go t'HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE/System/CurrentControlSet/control/Update. In de right-hand pane, right-click on DowndateMode and select Modify. Slap mah fro! In de edit window, change da damn 01 t'00. You's'll gots'ta reboot yo' clunker befo'e da damn change snatch'd effect. Man!

Copyin' all de CAB (Windows 95 installashun stashs) fum de Win95 CD t'yo' hard disk be a great way t'save time when re-installin' components o' de whole shebang. What it is, Mama! You's kin make dis even quicka' by modifyin' de Registry t'point t'de CAB stashs durin' installashun. Open de Registry Edito', drill waaay down t'HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\Current Version\Setup and raple-click on de SETUP folder. Ah be baaad... Right-click on de SourcePad item and select Modify fum de context menu. Man! Enta' de alley uh de folda' dat contains yo' CAB stashs. Of course, ya' kin also browse t'de CAB stashs at install time.

I gotsn't tried dis one yet, dig dis:
Upgrade Widout Previous Version If youse installin' Win95 on some system widout some previous version uh Windows installed, Win95 ax's ya' t'prove ya' gots installed some previous version uh DOS o' Windows. If ya' duzn't gots yo' old diskettes handy, here's how t'get around da damn dialog, dig dis: Open Notepad and save some document as WIN.CN_ (de final characta' is an underline). Put da damn WIN.CN_ stash on some diskette - yo' boot diskette o' Win95 Startup disk gots'ta do. 'S coo', bro. When ya' reach de point in de installashun where Win95 ax's ya' t'show it some previous version, put in de diskette wid de WIN.CN_ stash on it. Man! De installashun honky code gots'ta accept it as proof uh a previous version. 'S coo', bro.

Change Colo's
When ya' change yo' colo' scheme (right click de desktop, select Propuh'ties, and click de Appearance tab), ya''ll notice some colo's kin't be changed. To fix dat problem, dig dis:
go t'HKEY_USERS\.Default\Control Panel\Colo's. Here ya''ll find all de screen elements. To change one, double-click on it and replace da damn current value wid one uh yo' sets uh numbers. When doodads look de way ya' wants' dem to, go back t'de Appearance item and Save As some new scheme.
Notice ya' gots'ta enta' de values as red/green/blue numbers.

Every font ya' install sucks down physical memo'y. Slap mah fro! Unless ya' gots physical RAM t'spare, ah' wouldn't suggest loadin' too much mo'e dan yo' commonly used fonts. So's whut do ya' do wid de fonts ya' wanna keep but not install? Put dem in ANOTHER directo'y ("fontsOder" so's ya' kin find it beside da damn Fonts folder). When ya' wanna use some particular font in some document/graphic, go t'yo' "Oda' Fonts" folder, double-click on de font ya' wanna use (and KEEP THE FONT OPEN), launch de applicashun in which ya' wish t'use dat font. Man! De font should show down in yo' regular list as if it wuz installed da damn "no'mal" way. Slap mah fro! When youse done, ya' kin close da damn font preview window and Windows be none-de-wiser. Ah be baaad...

Control Panel.{21EC2020-3AEA-1069-A2DD-08002B30309D}
Dial-Up Netwo'kin'.{992CFFA0-F557-101A-88EC-00DD010CCC48}
Inbox. Slap mah fro!{00020D75-0000-0000-C000-000000000046}
Mah' Clunker.{20D04FE0-3AEA-1069-A2D8-08002B30309D}
Recycle Bin. 'S coo', bro.{645FF040-5081-101B-9F08-00AA002F954E}
Netwo'k Neighbo'hood.{208D2C60-3AEA-1069-A2D7-08002B30309D}
Desktop. Jes hang loose, brud.{00021400-0000-0000-0000-000000000046}
Histo'y. Slap mah fro!{FF393560-C2A7-11CF-BFF4-444553540000}

Right click and select New - Folder. Ah be baaad... Type EVERYTHING includin' de _Name._ at da damn beginnin' as de dojigger uh de new folder. Ah be baaad... You's may be able t'cut and paste fum here.

To dig betta' puh'fo'mance fum some machine wid 32 megs uh memo'y o' better, push de Windows key + Pause Bust key t'call down de System Propuh'ties box. Slap mah fro! Click de Perfo'mance tab, den de Stash System button. 'S coo', bro. You's'll see some Select Box unda' Settin's labeled 'Typical role uh dis clunker:'. Change dat t''Netwo'k server'. Dis gots'ta manage yo' memo'y betta' and cut ya' some small puh'fo'mance boost. Man! In Windows95b and down, youse all set t'go. 'S coo', bro. In earlia' releases uh Windows, ya''ll gots'ta do dis, dig dis:

Go t'HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\FS Templates
Click on Server, and in de right-hand pane ya''ll see two entries called NameCache and PadCache. Here is de values dat ya' need t'enter/modify fo' each one uh dem, dig dis:

1. Fo' NameCache modify de numeric values t'read, dig dis:
a9 0a 00 00
2. Fo' PadCache modify de numeric values t'read, dig dis:
40 00 00 00
Dese values is written t'de wrong entries by default and ya' gots'ta manually fix dem t'get some boost in puh'fo'mance when settin' yo' machine to "Netwo'k Server". A'cuz dese values is written in wrong many sucka's see no difference in puh'fo'mance when changin' t'"Netwo'k Server". But dis Registry hack fixes it, and when youse done makin' dese changes, go set yo' system t'"Netwo'k Server" and see if ya' notice any improvement (ya''ll need t'restart Windows fo' de changes t'snatch effect).(I dun didn't see much difference on eida' of mah' machines wid dis.)

Fast restart, dig dis:
at da damn "whut do ya' wants' de clunker t'do?" prompt, select Restart, hold da damn Shift key waaay down, and click Coo'. Dis gots'ta restart Windows only instead uh a complete shutwaaay down and reboot. Man!

To eliminate da damn Favo'ites folda' from de Start menu, dig dis:
Go t'HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explo'er. Ah be baaad... Right-click in de right pane. When de menu opens, choose New, Binary Value. Name da damn new value NoFavo'itesMenu and press Enta' twice. When de Edit Binary Value dialog box opens, enter 01 00 00 00 and restart da damn clunker. Afta' ya' restart, ya''ll gots no Favo'ites folda' in de Start menu. Man!
If ya' decide ya' wants' de Favo'ites folda' back, navigate t'de key ya' created and double-click it. Man! Change da damn value to
00 00 00 00
and click Coo'. Close RegEdit and restart da damn clunker t'get de Favo'ites folda' back into de Start menu. Man!
Fo' de Documents folder, follow de same procedure, 'sept dojigger de new binary value, dig dis: NoRecentDocsMenu

    Change Internet Explo'er's title bar, dig dis:
    Go t'HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Internet
    Explo'er\Main.  'S coo', bro. Right-click in some blank area uh RegEdit's right pane and
    choose New, Chittlin' Value. Name da damn new chittlin'

    Window Title

    'esactly as shown here and press Enter.  Ah be baaad... Now double-click de new
    chittlin''s icon and, when de dialog box opens, type in yo' new title
    as ya' wants' it t'appear in de title bar.  Ah be baaad... Click Coo' t'save yo'
    change. Close RegEdit (choose Registry, Exit) and run IE 4. Yo' new
    title should appear in de title bar.  Ah be baaad...

    Sucka'alize Outlook Express, too.  'S coo', bro...
    Go t'HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Outlook Express. In RegEdit's
    right pane, right-click de mouse and choose New, Chittlin' Value. Name
    de new chittlin'


    'esactly as shown and press Enter.  Ah be baaad... Note dat, dough de chittlin' value
    fo' de Microsoft Internet Explo'a' 4 title gots a space between Window
    and Title, dere be no such space in de Outlook Express chittlin'.
    Now double-click de new chittlin''s icon and type in yo' new title.
    Click Coo' when finished and den close RegEdit (choose Registry, Exit).
    De next time ya' run Outlook Express, yo' new title gots'ta appear in
    de title bar.  Ah be baaad...

    Dese changes survive an downgrade t'Win98, but not t'IE 5.0 beta
    unda' Win95.

Edit da damn Registry t'change some bitmap's standard icon t'a preview uh de actual stash. Find da damn Registry key called HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\Paint. Man!Picture\DefaultIcon. 'S coo', bro. Change da damn (Default) value t'%1. Start Windows Explo'a' and ya''ll see some tiny preview uh all yo' bitmaps. (So'ry, dis trick duzn't wo'k wid NT.)

To change da damn icon associated wid Mah' Clunker, find da damn Registry key HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\CLSID\{20d04fe0-3aea-1069-a2d8 -08002b30309d}\DefaultIcon. 'S coo', bro. Double-click on de (Default) entry (in NT it's : REG_EXPAND_SZ) and change it t'de icon ya' wants'. Fo' 'esample, if ya' used Shell32.dll,13, ya''d dig de globe icon fum Shell32.dll.

Similarly, ya' kin change da damn Netwo'k Neighbo'hood icon's picture by lookin' fo' CLSID {208d2c60-3aea-1069-a2d7-08002b30309d}; Microsoft Netwo'k wid CLSID {00028b00-0000-0000-c000-000000000046}; Inbox wid {00020d75-0000-0000-c000-000000000046}; and Internet Explo'a' wid {fbf23b42-e3f0-101b-8488-00aa003e56f8}. Restart Windows o' hit F5 t'put yo' changes into effect. Man! Fo' some reason, sometimes some restart won't show de new icons...dey're bein' cached. If ya' gots TweakUI installed, go t'de Repair tab, and click de Rebuild Icons button. 'S coo', bro.

While youse revampin' yo' desktop icons, ya''ll probably wanna change da damn Recycle Bin icon. 'S coo', bro. Hangin' so's is slightly mo'e complex. Slap mah fro! In bod Windows 95 and NT, de picture dat's displayed on de Desktop be located in de CLSID {645ff040-5081-101b-9f08-00aa002f954e}\DefaultIcon key's (Default) value. Wheneva' ya' empty de Recycle Bin, de picture sto'ed in de empty value uh dis same key digs copied into de (Default) value--and dat picture appears on de Desktop. Jes hang loose, brud. As soon as ya' dump one stash into de Recycle Bin, de picture sto'ed in de full value be copied into de (Default) value. So's ya' gots'ta make sho' man t'change bod values.

Display Full-Colo' Icons Go t'HKEY_CURRENT_USER\ControlPanel\desktop\WindowMetrics. If ya' duzn't gots some value in de right pane called Shell Icon BPP, select Edit, New, Chittlin' Value, den type in Shell Icon BPP, and press Enter. Ah be baaad... Double-click on Shell Icon BPP and change it t'16 (fo' 16-bit colo') o' 24 (fo' 24-bit colo')...pick de one dat matches yo' monito' settin's. Restart Windows t'make da damn change stick. Ya' know?

Custom Windows Welcome Each time ya' restart Windows, Microsoft's Welcome screen appears, displayin' tips fo' beginners. Most sucka's turn dis screen off afta' a few weeks. Change da damn welcome-screen tips dat ship wid Windows--o' add yo' own brilliant sayin's--by editin' de Registry. Slap mah fro! Go to
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\'splo'er\Tips. Make sho' man de values in de key is numbered sequentially fum zero fo'ward. Windows 95 ships wid 48 tips and NT comes wid 50, but ya' kin add as many as ya' likes. Select Edit, New, Chittlin' Value, den type in de numba' (48 fo' Windows 95 and 50 fo' NT, since da damn values start at 0). Double-click on de new chittlin' and type in its value--in dis case da damn message o' tip dat ya' wanna display. Slap mah fro!

Sounds, dig dis: By now ya''ve customized da damn way Windows looks; now it's time t'attack de way it sounds. Edit da damn Registry t'fo'ce Windows t'play sounds fo' specific events, likes openin' o' closin' an applicashun and maximizin' o' minimizin' windows. You's kin also set it t'play some certain sound stash when it displays some message box. Slap mah fro! Fo' 'esample, t'play de sound C:\sound.wav every time ya' start Microsoft Paint, run de Registry Edito', and find da damn key, dig dis:
Click on Edit, New, den Key, and type in MSPAINT (to match de dojigger uh de honky code). Next add some key unda' MSPAINT called Open, and some key unda' dat called .Current. Man! Double-click on de default value t'set it t'C:\windows\sound.wav o' whutever. Ah be baaad... You's'll see oda' applicashuns wid sounds events; use dem as some guide.

Co'rect Yo' Identity Duz yo' PC know who ya' are--real? Make sho' man dat Windows gots yo' dojigger and company info'mashun co'rect,(o' inco'rect, if youse off yo' medicashun again) cuz' many Microsoft applicashuns automatically pick down dis info when ya' install dem. WORD! In de Registry, find da damn key called HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\MS Setup (ACME)\Usa' Info in de values DefName and DefCompany. Slap mah fro! Change dese t'reflect da damn co'rect info'mashun.

While youse at it, make sho' man dat yo' dojigger and company dojigger appear co'rect in de rest uh Windows. If ya' bought yo' PC wid Windows preinstalled, de value may say sump'n likes ValuedCustomer. Ah be baaad... To check, start Windows Explo'er, click on Help, About Windows. Navigate t'de Registry key HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion and change da damn values called RegisteredOwna' and RegisteredOrganizashun. (In NT, look at da damn key \Microsoft\Windows NT\ CurrentVersion. 'S coo', bro.)

Apple gots a 'virtual pc' fo' Mac users so's ya' kin see why ya' should gots bought some pc in de fust place.


If yo' ISP knocks ya' off cuz' ya' ain't busy enough, set yo' mail eyeballa' to check fo' new mail every five minutes.


When youse online, go t'yo' DOS prompt and type, dig dis:
tracert www, so cut me some slack, Jack.domain.  'S coo',

also, dig dis:
pin' www, so cut me some slack, Jack.domain.  'S coo',

substitutin',, o' whuteva' fo' domain. 'S coo',

Click Start. Man!..Run. 'S coo', bro...and type Winipcfg

    To change da damn icon fo' yo' hard roll, create da damn followin' stash in notepad, dig dis:

    icon=C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM\Pifmgr.  Ah be baaad...dll,36

If yo' hard roll be C:
click Save As... and navigate t'C:
and save it as auto'un. 'S coo', bro.inf
enclose it in quotes so's Notepad won't put some .txt on de end uh it
De alley specified be de typical Windows alley
yo's may vary, but ya''ll gots dat dll stash.
De 36 at da damn end be de numba' of de icon ah' chose.
(Icons in some stash is numbered, startin' at 0.)
To see da damn change, jimmey Windows Explo'er; click F5 if needed t'refresh. Lop some boogie.

    A batch stash t'clear de Documents menu, dig dis:
Use da damn same Notepad procedures t'make some .bat stash; use any dojigger ya' wants', plum make sho' man it ends wid .bat. Man! Type, dig dis:
echo y| del \windows\recent\*.*

echo y answers "yes" t'every "Do ya' wanna delete..." quesshun, deletin' de document sho'tcuts
sto'ed in C:\Windows\Recent


Oda' honky code auto'un locashuns, dig dis:
Check all de keys dat start wid "Run"

Delete typed URLs, dig dis: HU\default\Software\Microsoft\InternetExplo'er\TypedURLs

Shut off de Office Assistant, dig dis: HLM\Software\Microsoft\Office\8.0\Common\Assistant
and point da damn AsstPad t'a non-existent folder. Ah be baaad...

Yo' own Command Prompt Here, dig dis:
In Explo'er, go t'de View menu, Folda' Opshuns, Stash Types, select Stash folder. Ah be baaad.....Edit. Man!..New, so cut me some slack, Jack....
Give it some dojigger, den on de "Applicashun used..." line, type, dig dis:
Command.pif /K cd "%1"

Fo' rolls, select Roll instead uh Stash folder

Put some bitmap on yo' 'esplo'a' toolbar, dig dis: Go t'
Create some new chittlin' called
and doubleclick it. Man! Type in de alley t'yo' .bmp stash.

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