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Freeware jokes!

Mabel was going out of town for a few days. She left her two cats 
and her elderly mother in the care of her husband, and off she went.

The next day, she called home to see how everything was going. Her 
husband answered the phone, and after catching up a bit, he 
said, "Oh, by the way, one of the cats died."

"Oh! How awful! You brute!" she sobbed. "How can you just 
blurt that out like nothing is the matter!"

"I'm sorry, honey," hubby said. "But how else could I have told you?"

"I don't know!", she wailed. "Anything! Tell me he's on the roof or 
something, then the next day that he's hurt. At least I'll be expecting something!"

Her husband finally got her calmed down, and after a while, they said goodbye.

The next day, she called again. After catching up, she said, "So...is anything else new?"

Her husband replied, "Well...your mother is on the roof."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and 
testing were done there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and 
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

Two antennaes got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two muffins were in the oven. 
The first muffin said, "Boy, it sure is hot in here!"
The second muffin said, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

The Lonely Little Brain Cell

Once  upon a time there was a female brain
cell  which, by mistake, happened to end up
in a  man's head.

She  looked around nervously, but it was
all  empty and quiet.  "Hello?" she cried,
but no  answer..

"Is  there anyone here?" she cried a little
louder,  but still no answer.

Now the  female brain cell started to feel
alone  and scared and yelled at the top of
her  voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE
HERE?"  and from somewhere far, far
away she  heard.......

"We're  down here!"

As Natalie came skipping home from school one day, she called out,
"Mommy, Mommy! We were counting today, and all the other kids could
only count to four, but I counted to ten. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day, she came skipping home from school again. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C,
D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde."
Natalie came skipping home from school the following day. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 25."

     Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said,
     "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
     replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
     business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
     threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
     said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded
     approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
     fit."


     Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
     the possible designers of the human body.  One said, "It was a
     mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another
     said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
     has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one
     said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
     toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


     The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
     The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
     work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
     will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you
     want fries with that?"

     Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the
     lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the
     attention of American authorities.

     Among the brothers:
     Sooflay ............the restaurateur
     Guday................the half-Australian brother
     Huray...............the sports fanatic
     Sashay..............the gay brother
     Kuntay & Kintay....the twins from the African mother
     Sayhay...................the baseball player
     Ojay........................the stalker/murderer
     Gulay......................the singer/entertainer
     Ebay.......................the internet czar
     Biliray......................the country music star
     Ecksray..................the radiologist
     Puray......................the blender factory owner
     Regay.....................the half-Jamaican brother
     Tupay......................the one with bad hair

     Among the sisters:
     Lattay.....................the coffee shop owner
     Bufay......................the 300-pound sister
     Dushay...................the clean sister
     Phayray..................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
     Sapheway..............the grocery store owner
     Ollay........................the half-mexican sister
     Gudlay....................the prostitute

     Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk
     about him.

     Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it
     doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the
     pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands
     him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of
     energy to scribble a note, then dies.

     The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away,
     so he places it in his jacket pocket.

     At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he
     realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred
     died.

     "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I
     haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a
     word of inspiration in it for us all."

     Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my
     oxygen tube!"

An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a construction site.
The boss of the site walks up to the three men, points at a pile of sand behind
 them and, pointing at the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping".
He then points to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging".
Finally he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of supplies."
"I'm going to be gone for a while and when I come back I expect to at least
 see you guys have made a dent in that pile".
The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand
 untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by.
He walks up to them and shouts "What the heck have you been
 doing for the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?"
The Italian tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping
 and digging, but we don't have a broom or a spade.
You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared."
The boss looks round and searches for the strange Orient.
Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese 
man jumps from behind the sand and yells:
"Supplies!" 

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does
     this taste funny to you?"

     A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
     serve food in here."

     Dyslexic man walks into a bra....

     A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
     says "Pint please, and one for the road."

     Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've
     lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
     replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

     Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
     are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
     either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my
     younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

     I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
     couldn't find any.

   A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
   She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
   She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a 
nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that 
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
   "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a  nun kiss me."
   She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
   The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
   The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
   But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
   "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
   "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
   The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kent and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at a window, "I
want to open a damn checking account".

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir, I must have
misunderstood you.  What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it!  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank."  Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
bank manager to tell him about this rude man.

They both return and manager asks the old man, "What seems to be the
problem here?"

"There's no damn problem" the man says.  "I just won $50 million in the
damn lottery and I want to open a damn account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this the bitch that is giving you a hard
time?"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he says, "Ms.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.  The frog says $30,000.  The teller asks his name and the frog says
that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK,
he knows the bank manager.  Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial
amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the
loan.  She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure.I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall.  Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager
and  disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds
up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone.

A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap.  She gazed up at her father
and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful
and smartest man in the world?"
Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did you get the idea?" she asked.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the
woman to her lover, "into the closet!"  She bundled him in the closet stark
naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.  "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

   In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle 
of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no 
electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high 
so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.  "Don't put the 
lantern down... I think there's another one to come!"
 Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. And once again, he implored 
the father: "Don't put down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
 The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya 
thank it's the light that's attractin'em?

Climbing up on a bar stool, the string asked for a beer.

"Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"

"Well, yes, I am."

"Sorry. We don't serve strings here."

The determined string left the bar and stopped a passerby. "Excuse me," it said. "Would 
you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The passerby obliged,  and the 
string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, please?" it asked the bartender.

The barkeep sat a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, aren't you the 
string I just threw out of here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf.  The
priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the
ball entirely and said,
"****, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language.
At the next swing he missed again, "****, I missed."
"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."
The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "****, I missed."
Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "****, I missed."
Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes
Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "****, I
missed."

    It may be that your sole purpose in life
    is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
    that you tried.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
    before.

Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping 
out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, 
since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it 
however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues disappear behind a bush. The bush 
commences rattling and shaking like no one's business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God 
says "You've still got twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue 
and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

Sam has been in the computer business for 25
  years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his
  job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from
  humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week
  and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total
  peace and quiet.
  After six months or so of almost total
  isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on
  his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
  Vermonter standing there.
  "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles
  over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought
  you'd like to come."
  "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm
  ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
  As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you
  there's gonna be some drinkin'."
  "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer
  business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
  Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More
  'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
  "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I
  get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
  again."
  Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen
  some wild sex at these   parties, too."
  "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember
  I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be
  there... By the way, what should I wear?"
  Enoch stops in the door again and says,
  "Whatever you want, just gonna be the  two of us."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic but not
too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went  to
Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the  clerk mixed up the items
and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent
it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had
been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I
had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there  to put them on for you the first time as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing."

A man and woman were heading west. Everything is fine for a while; then
the mule stumbled. "That's
one," the man said. They go along for a while, then the mule stumbles
again. "That's two, " the man
says. They go along for a bit, and the mule stumbles again. The man
pulls out a gun and shoots the
mule. "Why did you do such a dang fool thing for?" his wife yelled.
The man says, "That's one."

How the traditional Angels on top of the Christmas tree got started
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime they had while making toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas Tree! I sent that sutpid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree came to pass...

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
    You ever used the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
    Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
    You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
    At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
    You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
    The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
    Wookies are offended by your B.O.
    You have ever used the force to get yourself
          another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son
          come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-
          defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
    You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
    You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
    You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut
          and you have to get in through the window.
    Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought
          that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his
women.
    You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
    You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
    If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
Your mentor is named Bubba-Wan Kenobi

Bumper stickers:
     If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
     The Earth Is Full -- Go Home
     I Have The Body Of A God (Buddha)
     This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me
     Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult
     The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
     Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
     Illiterate? Write For Help
     Honk If Anything Falls Off
     He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit
     Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?
     It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
     I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
     Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
     Boldly Going Nowhere
     Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
     How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
     Is Lost?

     1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
     2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
     3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
     4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
     5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
     6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
     7. Be more or less specific.
     8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
     unnecessary.
     9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
     10. No sentence fragments.
     11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
     12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
     13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
     necessary; it's highly superfluous.
     14. One should NEVER generalize.
     15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
     16. Don't use no double negatives.
     17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
     18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
     19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
     20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
     21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
     Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
     22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one
     would suffice.
     23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
     24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use
     them.
     25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
     forth earth-shaking ideas.
     26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
     when its not needed.
     27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
     hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
     28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand
     times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can
     use it correctly.
     29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
     30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid
     colloquialisms.
     31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
     32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
     33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than
     understatement.
     34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional
     scenarios complicate simplistic matters.
     And finally...
     35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Ten Rules of Writing Good Writing
By Jed McKendrick
-----------------

In our hectic, word-based society, it's good to know
how to use words good. For instance, as a marketer
on the internet, it might be good if you could use
words good.

Because you might want to write an article with
words, so here are some rules about it:

1. Parts of Speech Add Zest!

Parts of speech include things like nouns, pronouns,
verbs, and proverbs. They can really spice up your
articles, so sprinkle them throughout your articles.

2. Don't Forget the Headline!

Without the headline, your article will just look
like a big lump of words. Or like a bunch of smaller
lumps if you use paragraphs. Try to choose a
headline that tells the reader something about the
article, like what it's about.

3. Know Something About Your Subject!

If you are not very smart about the subject of your
article, ask someone to read it who is or else it
could be really bad.

4. Sentence Length!

Readers get distracted by different sentence
lengths. It's not important how long your sentences
are as long as they are all the same. When you are
done writing an article, go back and take some words
out of the long sentences and put them in the short
ones. This will make your readers more absorptive.

5. Include Some Knowledge!

For instance, if your subject is How To Make More
Sales, you should actually include some information
about that subject so your readers will benefit and
buy something from you, hopefully something that
doesn't suck.

6. Don't Use Words You Don't Know!

One of the most horipulating things you can do to a
reader is use words semaphorically. If you're not
sure what a word means, just ejaculate it for
another one.

7. Use Action!

Don't write limply. Let your reader feel the wind in
their hair with explosive, action-packed verbs, of
which I can't think of any right now.

8. Exclamations Get Attention!

HEY!!!!

See?

9. Involve the Reader!

Don't just talk AT your reader, try to get them
involved in a dialog even though you can't. Still,
it's a really good thing to do. One way to achieve
this is by asking questions.

Wouldn't you agree?

10. End On A High Note!

Try to say something really good right at the end so
readers are left with a good feeling about you and
want to buy something from you, hopefully something
that doesn't suck.

And don't forget to wrap up by reminding the reader
what everything you just said was, like that it's
good to write good because it can benefit you!

         Things you wish you could say at work (part one):

     1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
     2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard
     to pronounce.
     3. How about never? Is never good for you?
     4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
     yourself in public.
     5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
     to worship me.
     6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
     7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
     8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
     9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
     you're saying.
     10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of
     crap.
     11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
     12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
     13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
     darn.
     14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
     15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
     about you.
     16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is
     another question.
     17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
     18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
     coincidental.
     19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
     20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
     21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
     burn off.
     22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
     ceremonial.
     23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
     24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
     25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
     "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

     You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
     girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
     says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

     You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
     her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
     fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

     You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
     straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
     You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
     offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in
     bed." That's Public Relations.

     You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you
     and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand
     Recognition.

     Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
     the reader who doesn't get it.

     Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

     Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

     Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
     purpose of obtaining sex.

     Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

     Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

     Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
     when they come at you rapidly.

     Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
     these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
     explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

     Glibido: All talk and no action.

     Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS,
     which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
     with.

     Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a butthole.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it
     take to change a light bulb?

     A: Exactly Five Hundred:

        1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list
          that the light bulb has been changed
        7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
          how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
        4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
       17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
          changing light bulbs.
       21 to flame the spell checkers
       49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
          light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
          list.
       20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
       32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
          please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
       69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
          alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be
          stopped.
       41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all
          use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
          mail list.
      106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
          superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
          bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
       12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different
          light bulbs
        8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to
          post corrected URLs.
        2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
          relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this
          list.
       15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them
          including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me
          Too."
        6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
          they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
        9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
        3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
        1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
       24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was
          meant for, leave it here.
       53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
     Dateline: Firebringer News Service (FBNS)

     Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to
     our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

     As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs
     show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has
     sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers,
     or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even
     weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

     McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago,
     when the prospect of selling one hundred billion
     hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs
     have only two decimal places.

     This means that, after the sale of the 100
     billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00
     Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will
     convince the public that, in over thirty years, no
     McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold,
     causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence
     in McDonald's products.

     The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as
     almost certain to force the already-troubled
     company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push
     the teetering American economy over the brink,
     which, finally, will complete the total devastation
     of the global economy, ending civilization as we
     know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

     "The people who know---the sign-makers---are really
     scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know
     about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD
     GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the
     hills.







WARNING! NEWSPAPER VIRUS!

     If you receive a newspaper with an article
     in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies", DO NOT READ
     IT.

     Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the
     "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it
     will cause the printed characters on the newspaper
     to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a
     big heap in your lap.

     This particular virus is very nasty in that
     it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that
     you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become
     unusable.

     As well, any computer screen viewed with
     infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a
     pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative.
     The New York Times this morning confirmed the
     existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are
     now investigating it.

     THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE
     UNITED STATES OPTICIANS SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL
     READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINGED SUNGLASSES
     BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.

     PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-
     MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN
     ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE
     U.S. POSTAL SERVICE







There is a new virus out there in cyberspace called Goodtimes.
This is a particularly bad virus.
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but
it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness
setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking
on your television and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your
ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid
into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave
its socks out on the coffee table when there's company
coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your
good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late
for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a
penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off
both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend
behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel
room to your Discover card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she
is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It
moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on
your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious
and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamines
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on
the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your
new snowblower.
-- anonymous






     There is a new virus going around, called
     "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all,
     whether via email, internet or simply handed to
     you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

     This has been circulating around our
     building for months and those who have been
     tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have
     found that their social life is deleted and their
     brain ceases to function properly.

     If you do encounter "work" via email or are
     faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the
     virus, send an email to your boss with the words
     "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the
     pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten
     by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-
     document form, simply lift the document and drag
     the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat
     and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two
     friends and order three pints of beer (or rum
     punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you
     will find that "work" will no longer be of any
     relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the
     greatest cartoon ever.

     Send this message to everyone in your
     address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your
     address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has
     already corrupted your life.






Beware of.............................

     THE CLINTON Virus....
     (Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

     THE BOB DOLE virus...
     (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

     THE LEWINSKY virus...
     (Drains all the data out of your computer, then emails everyone
     about what it did)

     THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
     (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

     THE MIKE TYSON virus....
     (Quits after two bytes)

     THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
     (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to
     stabilize around 200mb)

     THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....
     (Deletes all old files)

     THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
     (Disks can no longer be inserted)

     THE PROZAC virus....
     (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

     THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
     (Only attacks minor files)

     THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
     (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards
     it through Windows)

     MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!

     The heaviest element known to science was recently
     discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research
     university. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
     has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
     of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant
     neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
     neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

     These 312 particles are held together by a force that
     involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
     called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of
     lepton-like particles called peons.

     Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
     However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
     reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
     discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one
     reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
     have normally occurred in less than one second.

     Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately
     three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead
     undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
     vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

     In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES
     over time, since with each reorganization some of the
     morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

     This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
     scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is
     spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain
     quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
     referred to as "critical morass."

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) ? Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control
 and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth
 disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed
 to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft
 Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow,
 director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save
 millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite
 naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by
 Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister.
 "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has
 recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook,
 which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy,"
 "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden
 University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just
 that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding
 that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies
 in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting
 that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven
 virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue
 a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable
 to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant,
 but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is
 more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had
a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft
Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she
recalled. "Who would've thought?"

     Dain bramaged
     Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
     Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
     Boldly going nowhere
     CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
     Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
     He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
     Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
     How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
     Axe me about Ebonics
     CATS The other white meat
     Don't be sexist - broads hate that
     I'm an imbecile and I vote
     Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
     If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
     Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
     WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
     Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***?
     If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
     Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
     You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
     Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
     JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!
     You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
     Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date
     Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
     Grow your own dope, plant a man.
     All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
     Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
     I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
     WANTED Meaningful overnight relationship.
     BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.
     I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
     Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
     All men are idiots....I married their king.
     The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
     IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
     Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
     Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
     Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
     Hang up and drive.
     Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
     I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
     Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
     We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
     Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
     Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
     Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
     Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
     Honk If You Want To See My Finger

     Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
     2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
     1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
     Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
     365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
     filling: 1 lite year
     16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
     Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
     1000 aches: 1 megahurts
     Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
     Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power
     Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
     Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
     bananosecond
     10 cards: 1 decacards
     1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
     1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
     1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
     1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
     500 millinaries: 1 seminary
     2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
     1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn
     1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
     453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
     1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
     1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
     100 rations: 1 C-ration
     10 millipedes: 1 centipede
     3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
     2 monograms: 1 diagram
     8 nickels: 2 paradigms

    Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do
     Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall
     Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage
     Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with
     Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together
       kitchen cabinets
     Heroes \hee-rhos' \ What a guy in a boat does
     Left Bank \left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was
       full of loot
     Misty \mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots
     Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the
        Eiffel Tower
     Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm
     Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with
     Primate \pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of
        the TV
     Relief \ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring
     Selfish \sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does
     Subdued \sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of
        those, like, submarines, man
     Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a
        government official
    Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook that leaves Arby's to
       work at McDonald's
     Control \kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate
     Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist

Bread Kills!

       1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
       2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
       households score below average on standardized tests.
       3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
       home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
       mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
       childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza
       ravaged whole nations.
       4.   Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
       5.   Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For
       example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are
       obviously cumulative:
           o    99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
           o    100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
           o    96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
           o    99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread
                within 6 months preceding the accident.
           o    93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is
                served frequently.
       6.   Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all
          the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a
          100% mortality rate.
       7.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
       proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate
       a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
       8.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
       incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
       osteoporosis.
       9.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
       bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as
       two days.
       10.  Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
       "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold
       cuts.
       11.  Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
       more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead
       to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product,
       turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
       12.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.
       13.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
       Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
       minute.
       14.  Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
       significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

     In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
     following bread restrictions:
       1.   No sale of bread to minors.
       2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity
       TV spots and bumper stickers.
       3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
       societal ills we might associate with bread.
       4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
       appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
       5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

 

 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
 The stewardess looks at them and says,
 "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 2. Did you hear that NASA recently
 put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?
 They called it "The herd shot 'round the world."

 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
 One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
 The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
 much.
 The second one, naturally, became known as:
 "The  lesser of the two weevils."

 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
 but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving, once again,
 that:
 "You can't have your kayak and heat it, too."

 5. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West hopping on three legs.
 He slides up to the bar and announces:
 "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who
 refused Novocain during a root canal?
 He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
 in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
 After about an hour, the manager came out of the office
 and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked,
 as they moved off. "Because," he said,
 "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
 One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
 The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
 Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
 Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
 she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
 "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
 so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
 Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God,
 a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
 He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
 He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
 So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
 the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
 them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
 saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
 Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
 Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to his
 friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
 laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

     The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.
     Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the
     Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun
     shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven
     receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the
     Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does
     from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from
     the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun,
     so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
     heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just
     equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50
     times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-
     Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the
     absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K
     (525C).

     The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However]
     Revelations 2:18 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ...
     shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and
     brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its
     temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
     have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
     -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972




          First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they
          must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of
          souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are
          souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
          leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once
          a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
          no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell,
          lets look at the different religions that exist in
          the world today. Some of these religions state that
          if you are not a member of their religion, you will
          go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
          religions and people do not belong to more than one
          religion, we can project that all people and all
          souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they
          are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to
          increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
          change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in
          order for the temperature and pressure in hell to
          stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to
          volume needs to stay constant.

          So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
          rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature
          and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
          breaks loose.

          Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster
          than the increase of souls in hell, than the
          temperature and pressure will drop until hell
          freezes over.
          -- From the langalist

     Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
     of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.
     Leave me alone.

     The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
     belt and a leaky tire.

     It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
     your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.

     Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
     be promoted.

     If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
     couple of car payments.

     Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
     their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
     mile away and you have their shoes.

     Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark
     side, and it holds the universe together.

     If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
     was probably worth it.

     Don't squat with your spurs on.

     If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

     Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

     Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

     Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
     comes from bad judgment.

     The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
     and put it back in your pocket.

     Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
     dance.

     There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
     works.

     Never miss a good chance to shut up.

     We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
     whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather
     than German which was the other possibility. As part of the
     negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
     spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
     year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

     In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
     this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
     will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up
     konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

     There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
     when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
     make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

     In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
     ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
     are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
     letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
     Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in
     the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the
     fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
     "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze
     unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
     similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
     leters.

     After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
     vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
     to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

     Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

     Redmond, WA - Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has
     purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. "We've been after
     Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations
     were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of
     Darkness are happy with this deal."

     Dyslexics have more fnu
     Clones are people, two
     Eschew obfuscation
     Atheism is a non-prophet organization
     Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
     What if there were no hypothetical questions?
     Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
     No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

     Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

     Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
     If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
     If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
     If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
     If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on
     the line while we trace your call.
     If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
     transferred to the mother ship.
     If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
     will tell you which number to press.
     If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short
     term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss,
     press 9.
     If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators
     are too busy to talk to you.

Redneck Computer Virus---As we don't have any programming
     experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please
     delete all of the files on your hard drive, and manually
     forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you
     for your cooperation.--- Bubba

     Hi! Kevin's answering machine is broken. This is his
     refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
     message to myself with one of these magnets.

     Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
     Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 Inter-department memo from the MIS management

     Attention: As many of you are aware, there are several security
     protocols available for network authentication, such as PAP,
     CHAP, MS-CHAP, etc. However, it has become necessary, due to
     the increased ability of hackers to thwart these and other
     defenses, to implement our own new, proprietary authentication
     the Challenge-Response Authentication Protocol, or C.R.A.P.

     We will begin installing C.R.A.P. on all servers and
     workstations immediately. As soon as the laptops have gone
     through the "C.R.A.P.-on-your-lap" upgrade program, the remote
     users will have to go through C.R.A.P. to connect to the
     network over a modem. Portable C.R.A.P. will not be very
     different from desktop C.R.A.P., and both versions are expected
     to generate similar quantities of paperwork.

     Once all the machines have C.R.A.P. on them, we expect the
     first round of bugs to appear. We will have extra support
     personnel on hand to deal with bugs brought to light by the
     presence of C.R.A.P.. Eventually, we expect to make the network
     even less appealing to hackers by implementing additional
     layers of C.R.A.P.. Once the C.R.A.P. becomes thick enough, we
     don't think anyone will try to get in anymore. So, the next
     time someone tells you that we have C.R.A.P. for security, you
     can smile and proudly agree.

     The MIS management

Some women say computers should be referred to
 in the masculine gender because: 
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you to solve problems, but half
   the time, they ARE the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
   had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. 

Some men say computers should be addressed
 in the feminine gender because: 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 
2. The native language that they use to communicate with other
   computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term
   memory for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Etch-A-Sketch Technical FAQ For Computer Users:

 Q: My Etch-A Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What's the shortcut for undo?
 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I create a New Document window?
 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
 A Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
 A: Don't shake it.

		The World's Shortest Books

     20. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates.
     19. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno.
     18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver.
     17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
     16. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton.
     15. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan.
     14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
     13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
     12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean.
     11. America's Most Popular Lawyers.
     10. Detroit - A Travel Guide
     9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
     8. Everything Men Know About Women.
     7. Everything Women Know About Men.
     6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
     5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette.
     4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club.
     3. The Amish Phone Directory.
     2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
     1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton.

     1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
     2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have
     gained.
     3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat
     stomach.
     4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..
     5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
     6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you
     absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
     7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
     8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
     9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up
     after you are run over by a steamroller.
     10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
     11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
     12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
     proctologist immediately before he examines you.
     13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
     Yiddish expressions.
     14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
     15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your
     soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
     16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

Daily Affirmation

These next three or four aren't so great, but my guess is you're unemployed:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our
     best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
     responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral,
     celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
     the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of
     your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
     for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
     others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
     traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally
     fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
     onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not
     without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
     cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age,
     physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer
     platform, or sexual preference of the wishees.
     
     By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
     This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is
     freely transferable with no alteration to the original
     greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually
     implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is
     void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
     discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as
     expected within the usual application of good tidings for a
     period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
     holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
     limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish
     at the sole discretion of the wisher.

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering
     from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried
     Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke
     he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all
     over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS
     HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call
     911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it  was
     connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer
     that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail
     entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he
     himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to
     save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. And
     it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark
     Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all
     the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-
     Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's
     true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
     HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation
     and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

     The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report
     his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he
     got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped
     a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was
     only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little
     boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
     everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American
     Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail
     he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch
     of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and
     forward it to 10 people, you will have good luck but 10 people
     you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10
     people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the
     poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way
     he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To
     be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot
     as part of a gang initiation.

     Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and
     you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of
     Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and
     you will have more bad luck, your wife will develop breast
     cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores
     under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your
     emails forever.

FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu 
TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org 
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to 
Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD 
IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your 
ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It 
tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT 
let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with 
Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that 
will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If 
you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of 
the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com 
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu 
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. 
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one 
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it 
and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few 
tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really 
meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the 
Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus 
but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with 
a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire 
city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your 
concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize 
how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

     CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS:

     DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! The whole problem takes
     less than a minute. Work this out as you read or you can use a
     calculator! Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
     worked it out!

     1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
     like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than
     10 times) [note: other versions of this substitute other
     activities for "having chocolate..."]
     2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
     3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
     4. Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the
     calculator......)
     5. If you have already had your birthday yet his year add 1751.
     If you haven't, add 1750.
     6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You
     should now have a three digit number. And here comes the good
     part:
     The first digit of this number is your original number (i.e.,
     how many times you want to have chocolate [or whatever] each
     week). The next two numbers are your age.

 IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
     cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
     cubicle.

     IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get
     a break for one meal and you pay for it.

     IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you
     get more work for good behavior.

     IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
     AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all
     the doors for yourself.

     IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get
     fired for watching TV and playing games.

     IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT
     WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

     IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
     work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
     to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
     prisoners.

     IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
     get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
     out and go inside bars.

     IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT
     WORK...they are called managers.

 Things Computers Can Do In Movies 

Word processors never display a cursor. 
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 
Movie characters never make typing mistakes. 
All monitors display inch-high letters. 
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, 
will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. 
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells 
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, 
"ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard. 
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See 
"Fortress".) 
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer 
even if it's turned off. 
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also 
slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really 
advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.) 
All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their 
surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks 
and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards. 
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data. 
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the 
secret password in two tries. 
You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See 
"Demolition Man".) 
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 
minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset. 
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three 
seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per 
second. 
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly 
before the entire building will. 
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen 
(See "Clear and Present Danger"). 
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it. 
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where 
it originated. (See "Independence Day".) 
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any 
platforms. 
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".) 
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no 
labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button. 
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, 
photo-realistic graphics capabilities. 
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a 
CRAY Supercomputer. 
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their 
face. (See "Alien" or "2001") 
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your 
keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and 
"computer" an 3 results are returned.) 
However blurred, out-of-focus a photo may be, imaging technicians can deliver the most hi-
resolution image from it (see X-files, CSI, and Raising Sun)  
  

    /*
    TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
    Project: Chicago(tm)
    Projected release-date: Summer 1998
    */
    #include "win31.h"
    #include "win95.h"
    #include "evenmore.h"
    #include "oldstuff.h"
    #include "billrulz.h"
    #define INSTALL = HARD

    char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
    void main()
    {
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
    display_copyright_message();
    display_bill_rules_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    if (first_time_installation)
    {
    make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
    do_nothing_loop();
    totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
    search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
    hang_system();
    }
    write_something(anything);
    display_copyright_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    do_some_stuff();
    if (still_not_crashed)
    {
    display_copyright_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    basically_run_windows_3.1();
    do_nothing_loop();
    do_nothing_loop();
    do_nothing_loop();
    }
    }
    if (detect_cache())
    disable_cache();
    if (fast_cpu()) {
    set_wait_states(lots);
    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
    }
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
    printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
    if (system_ok())
    {
    bsod(random_err());
    crash(to_dos_prompt);
    }
    else
    system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
    while(something)
    {
    sleep(5);
    get_user_input();
    sleep(5);
    act_on_user_input();
    sleep(5);
    }
    create_general_protection_fault();
    }

"We saw the MacQuarium and said, 'Let's put a bong inside one
instead,'" Agapornis said. "We were probably stoned."


"A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both and deserve neither" - T.Jefferson


"We don't have shelterinis." - Moe


"The cobbler's kids never have new shoes."


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.


Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx


RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.


Swiper no swiping!
Swiper no swiping!
Swiper nooooo swiping!

Thanks to attrition.org for unknowingly but in the spirit of the GNU license furnishing the 'chicken' and 'dog' images

   (     (                                                                      _______
   ))    ))   .-"There's always time for a good cup of coffee"-                  >====<--.
 C|~~| C|~~| `----------------------------------------------------------- '     |     =|-'
  `--'  `--' `----------------------------------------------------------- '     `------'

                (__)
                (oo)    Mathematical Cow
       /---------\/     (Developer of cow-culus)
      / | x=a(b)||
     *  ||------||
        ~~       ~~

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