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WARNING! Fry mah hide! DON'T MESS WITH YOUR REGISTRY IF YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Fry mah hide! One wrong keystroke, an' yer pc is daid. Yo've been warned, cuss it all t' tarnation.

All of these haf been done t'mah two Pentium 133mhz runnin' clean installs of Win98. Of course, YOUR machine may melt into a trimenjus puddle of plastic, so allus make a backup of th' registry an' make sho'nuff yo' knows how t'use it.
Play it safe. Make only one change at a time, restart th' computer, an' make sho'nuff ev'rythin' wawks as it sh'd. Close enny open applicashuns befo'e messin' aroun' wif th' registry, haf yer backup han'y, an' wears a scarf, ferchissakes, ya wanna ketch a cold? Whut in tarnation's wrong wif yo'?
Much of this hyar can be done wif TweakUI, but whut fun is thet?

Add text t'th' system clock:
Git to HKCU\Control Panel\Internashunal, an' create a noo strin' value called
Double-click it an' inter yer text fo' th' value data.
Create t'other strin' value, an' name it
an' put th' same text as th' s1159 strin'.
(ah doesn't knows th' chareecker limit yet, although it kin hold eight letters.)

To set Windows 95 t'perfo'm a cornstant refresh of file an' folder views, hoof it to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE/System/CurrentControlSet/control/Update. In th' right-han' pane, right-click on UpdateMode an' seleck Modify. In th' edit window, change th' 01 t'00. Yo'll hafta rebootcher computer befo'e th' change takes effeck.

Copyin' all th' CAB (Windows 95 installashun files) fum th' Win95 CD t'yer hard disk is a great way t'save time when re-installin' components o' th' whole shebang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Yo' kin make this hyar even quicker by modifyin' th' Registry t'point t'th' CAB files durin' installashun. Open th' Registry Edito', drill down t'HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsof'\Windows\Current Vershun\Setup an' sin'le-click on th' SETUP folder. Right-click on th' SourcePath item an' seleck Modify fum th' context menu. Enter th' path of th' folder thet corntains yer CAB files. Of course, yo' kin also browse t'th' CAB files at install time.

ah ain't tried this hyar one yet:
Upgrade Wifout Previous Vershun Eff'n yer installin' Win95 on a system wifout a previous vahshun of Windows installed, Win95 axs yo' t'prove yo' haf installed a previous vahshun of DOS o' Windows. Eff'n yo' doesn't haf yer old diskettes han'y, hyar's how t'git aroun' th' dialog: Open Notepad an' save a docoomnt as WIN.CN_ (th' final chareecker is an unnerline). Put th' WIN.CN_ file on a diskette - yer boot diskette o' Win95 Startup disk will does. When yo' retch th' point in th' installashun whar Win95 axs yo' t'show it a previous vahshun, put in th' diskette wif th' WIN.CN_ file on it. Th' installashun program will accepp it as proof of a previous vahshun.

Change Colo's
When yo' change yer colo' scheme (right click th' desktop, seleck Rightties, an' click th' Appeareence tab), yo'll notice some colo's kin't be changed, cuss it all t' tarnation. To fix thet problem:
go t'HKEY_USERS\.Default\Control Panel\Colo's. Hyar yo'll find all th' screen elements. To change one, double-click on it an' replace th' current value wif one of yer sets of numbers. When thin's look th' way yer hankerin' them to, hoof it back t'th' Appeareence item an' Save As a noo scheme.
Notice yo' hafta inter th' values as red/green/blue numbers.

Ev'ry font yo' install sucks up physical memo'y. Unless yo' haf physical RAM t'spare, ah w'dn't suggess loadin' too much mo'e than yer commonly used fonts. So whut does yo' does wif th' fonts yer hankerin' t'keep but not install? Put them in ANOTHER direcko'y ("fontsOther" so yo' kin find it beside th' Fonts folder). When yer hankerin' t'use a particular font in a docoomnt/graphic, hoof it to yer "Other Fonts" folder, double-click on th' font yer hankerin' t'use (an' KEEP THE FONT OPEN), launch th' applicashun in which yo' wish t'use thet font. Th' font sh'd show up in yer regular list as eff'n it were installed th' "no'mal" way. When yer done, yo' kin close th' font preview window an' Windows is none-the-wizzu.

Control Panel, ah reckon.{21EC2020-3AEA-1069-A2DD-08002B30309D}
Dial-Up Netwawkin'.{992CFFA0-F557-101A-88EC-00DD010CCC48}
Mah Computer.{20D04FE0-3AEA-1069-A2D8-08002B30309D}
Recycle Bin, as enny fool kin plainly see.{645FF040-5081-101B-9F08-00AA002F954E}
Netwawk Neighbo'hood, cuss it all t' tarnation.{208D2C60-3AEA-1069-A2D7-08002B30309D}

Right click an' seleck Noo - Folder. Type EVERYTHING includin' th' _Name._ at th' beginnin' as th' name of th' noo folder. Yo' may be able t'cut an' paste fum hyar.

To git better perfo'mance fum a machine wif 32 megs of memo'y o' better, push th' Windows key + Pause Bust key t'call up th' System Rightties box. Click th' Perfo'mance tab, then th' File System button, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yo'll see a Seleck Box unner Settin's labeled 'Typical role of this hyar computer:'. Change thet t''Netwawk sarver'. This hyar will manage yer memo'y better an' give yo' a small perfo'mance boost. In Windows95b an' up, yer all set t'go. In earlier releases of Windows, yo'll hafta does this:

Git to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Sof'ware\Microsof'\Windows\CurrentVershun\FS Templates
Click on Servah, an' in th' right-han' pane yo'll see two intries called NameCache an' PathCache. Hyar is th' values thet yo' need t'enter/modify fo' etch one of them:

1. Fo' NameCache modify th' noomric values t'read:
a9 0a 00 00
2. Fo' PathCache modify th' noomric values t'read:
40 00 00 00
These values is writ t'th' wrong intries by default an' yo' hafta manually fix them t'git a boost in perfo'mance when settin' yer machine to "Netwawk Servah". On account o' these values is writ in wrong menny varmints see no difference in perfo'mance when changin' t'"Netwawk Servah". But this Registry hack fixes it, an' when yer done makin' these changes, go set yer system t'"Netwawk Servah" an' see eff'n yo' notice enny improvement (yo'll need t'restart Windows fo' th' changes t'take effeck).(ah didn't see much difference on eifer of mah machines wif this.)

Fast restart:
at th' "whut does yer hankerin' th' computer t'do?" prompp, seleck Restart, hold th' Shif' key down, an' click OK. This hyar will restart Windows only instead of a complete shetdown an' reboot.

To eliminate th' Favo'ites folder fum th' Start menu:
Git to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Sof'ware\Microsof'\Windows\CurrentVershun\Policies\Splorer. Right-click in th' right pane. When th' menu opens, choose Noo, Binary Value. Name th' noo value NoFavo'itesMenu an' press Enter twice. When th' Edit Binary Value dialog box opens, inter 01 00 00 00 an' restart th' computer. Af'er yo' restart, yo'll haf no Favo'ites folder in th' Start menu.
Eff'n yo' decide yer hankerin' th' Favo'ites folder back, navigate t'th' key yo' created an' double-click it. Change th' value to
00 00 00 00
an' click OK. Close RegEdit an' restart th' computer t'git the Favo'ites folder back into th' Start menu.
Fo' th' Docoomnts folder, foller th' same procedure, 'cept name the noo binary value: NoRecentDocsMenu

    Change Internet Splorer's title bar:
    Git to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsof'\Internet
    Splorer\Main, as enny fool kin plainly see. Right-click in a blank area of RegEdit's right pane an'
    choose Noo, Strin' Value. Name th' noo strin'

    Window Title

    exackly as shown hyar an' press Enter. Now double-click th' noo
    strin''s icon an', when th' dialog box opens, type in yer noo title
    as yer hankerin' it t'appear in th' title bar. Click OK t'save yer
    change. Close RegEdit (choose Registry, Exit) an' helter-skelter IE 4. Yer noo
    title sh'd appear in th' title bar.

    Varmintalize Outlook Express, too...
    Git to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Sof'ware\Microsof'\Outlook Express. In RegEdit's
    right pane, right-click th' mouse an' choose Noo, Strin' Value. Name
    th' noo strin'


    exackly as shown an' press Enter. Note thet, though th' strin' value
    fo' th' Microsof' Internet Splorer 4 title has a space between Window
    an' Title, thar is no sech space in th' Outlook Express strin'.
    Now double-click th' noo strin''s icon an' type in yer noo title.
    Click OK when finished an' then close RegEdit (choose Registry, Exit).
    Th' next time yo' helter-skelter Outlook Express, yer noo title will appear in
    th' title bar.

    These changes survive an upgrade t'Win98, but not t'IE 5.0 beta
    unner Win95.

Edit th' Registry t'change a bitmap's stan'ard icon t'a preview of th' acshul file. Find th' Registry key called HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\Paint.Pitcher\DefaultIcon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Change th' (Default) value t'%1. Start Windows Splorer an' yo'll see a tiny preview of all yer bitmaps. (So'ry, this hyar trick don't wawk wif NT.)

To change th' icon assosheeated wif Mah Computer, find th' Registry key HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\CLSID\{20d04fe0-3aea-1069-a2d8 -08002b30309d}\DefaultIcon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Double-click on th' (Default) intry (in NT it's : REG_EXPAND_SZ) an' change it t'th' icon yo' want. Fo' example, eff'n yo' used Shell32.dll,13, yo'd git th' globe icon fum Shell32.dll, ah reckon.

Similarly, yo' kin change th' Netwawk Neighbo'hood icon's pitcher by lookin' fo' CLSID {208d2c60-3aea-1069-a2d7-08002b30309d}; Microsof' Netwawk wif CLSID {00028b00-0000-0000-c000-000000000046}; Inbox wif {00020d75-0000-0000-c000-000000000046}; an' Internet Splorer wif {fbf23b42-e3f0-101b-8488-00aa003e56f8}. Restart Windows o' hit F5 t'put yer changes into effeck. Fo' some reason, sometimes a restart won't show th' noo icons...they're bein' cached, cuss it all t' tarnation. Eff'n yo' haf TweakUah installed, hoof it to th' Repair tab, an' click th' Rebuild Icons button, as enny fool kin plainly see.

While yer revampin' yer desktop icons, yo'll probably be hankerin' t'change th' Recycle Bin icon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Doin' so is slightly mo'e complex. In both Windows 95 an' NT, th' pitcher thass displayed on th' Desktop is located in th' CLSID {645ff040-5081-101b-9f08-00aa002f954e}\DefaultIcon key's (Default) value. Whenevah yo' emppy th' Recycle Bin, th' pitcher sto'ed in th' emppy value of this hyar same key gits copied into th' (Default) value--an' thet pitcher appears on th' Desktop. As soon as yo' dump one file into th' Recycle Bin, th' pitcher sto'ed in th' full value is copied into th' (Default) value. So yo' muss make sho'nuff t'change both values.

Display Full-Colo' Icons Git to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\ControlPanel\desktop\WindowMetrics. Eff'n yo' doesn't haf a value in th' right pane called Shell Icon BPP, seleck Edit, Noo, Strin' Value, then type in Shell Icon BPP, an' press Enter. Double-click on Shell Icon BPP an' change it t'16 (fo' 16-bit colo') o' 24 (fo' 24-bit colo')...pick th' one thet matches yer monito' settin's. Restart Windows t'make th' change stick. Shet mah mouth!

Cestom Windows Welcome Etch time yo' restart Windows, Microsof''s Welcome screen appears, displayin' tips fo' beginners. Most varmints turn this hyar screen off af'er a few weeks. Change th' welcome-screen tips thet ship wif Windows--o' add yer own brilliant sayin's--by editin' th' Registry. Git to
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsof'\Windows\CurrentVershun\splorer\Tips. Make sho'nuff th' values in th' key is numbered sequentially fum zero fo'ward, cuss it all t' tarnation. Windows 95 ships wif 48 tips an' NT comes wif 50, but yo' kin add as menny as yo' like. Seleck Edit, Noo, Strin' Value, then type in th' number (48 fo' Windows 95 an' 50 fo' NT, on account o' th' values start at 0). Double-click on th' noo strin' an' type in its value--in this hyar case th' message o' tip thet yer hankerin' t'display.

Soun's: By now yo've cestomized th' way Windows looks; now it's time t'attack th' way it soun's. Edit th' Registry t'fo'ce Windows t'play soun's fo' specific events, like openin' o' closin' an applicashun an' maximizin' o' minimizin' windows. Yo' kin also set it t'play a sartin soun' file when it displays a message box. Fo' example, t'play th' soun' C:\soun'.wav ev'ry time yo' start Microsof' Paint, helter-skelter th' Registry Edito', an' find th' key:
Click on Edit, Noo, then Key, an' type in MSPAINT (to match th' name of th' program). Next add a key unner MSPAINT called Open, an' a key unner thet called .Current. Double-click on th' default value t'set it t'C:\windows\soun'.wav o' whutevah. Yo'll see other applicashuns wif soun's events; use them as a guide.

Co'reck Yer Identity Does yer PC knows who yer--pow'ful? Make sho'nuff thet Windows has yer name an' compenny info'mashun co'reck,(o' inco'reck, eff'n yer off yer medicashun agin) on account o' menny Microsof' applicashuns autymatically pick up this hyar info when yo' install them, dawgone it. In th' Registry, find th' key called HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Sof'ware\Microsof'\MS Setup (ACME)\User Info in th' values DefName an' DefCompenny. Change these t'refleck th' co'reck info'mashun.

While yer at it, make sho'nuff thet yer name an' compenny name appear co'reck in th' ress of Windows. Eff'n yo' bought yer PC wif Windows preinstalled, th' value may say sumpin like ValuedCestomer. To check, start Windows Splorer, click on He'p, About Windows. Navigate t'th' Registry key HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsof'\Windows\CurrentVershun an' change th' values called RegisteredOwny an' RegisteredOrganizashun. (In NT, look at th' key \Microsof'\Windows NT\ CurrentVershun.)

Apple has a 'virtual pc' fo' Mac users so yo' kin see whuffo' yo' sh'd haf bought a pc in th' fust place.


Eff'n yer ISP knocks yo' off on account o' yern't busy inough, set yer mail reader t'check fo' noo mail ev'ry five minutes.


When yer online, hoof it to yer DOS prompp an' type:
tracert www.domain, as enny fool kin plainly

pin' www.domain, as enny fool kin plainly

substeetootin' aol, ah,, o' whutevah fo' domain, as enny fool kin plainly

Click Start...Run, as enny fool kin plainly' type Winipcfg

    To change th' icon fo' yer hard drive, create th' follerin' file in notepad:


Eff'n yer hard drive is C:
click Save As... an' navigate t'C:
an' save it as autyrun, as enny fool kin plainly see.inf
enclose it in quotes so Notepad won't put a .txt on th' end of it
Th' path specified is th' typical Windows path
yourn may vary, but yo'll haf thet dll file.
Th' 36 at th' end is th' number of th' icon ah chose.
(Icons in a file is numbered, startin' at 0.)
To see th' change, open Windows Splorer; click F5 eff'n needed t'refresh.

    A batch file t'clear th' Docoomnts menu:
Use th' same Notepad procedures t'make a .bat file; use enny name yo' want, jest make sho'nuff it inds wif .bat. Type:
echo y| del \windows\recent\*.*

echo y answers "yes" t'ev'ry "Do yer hankerin' t'delete..." quesshun, deletin' th' docoomnt sho'tcuts
sto'ed in C:\Windows\Recent


Other program autyrun locashuns:
Check all th' keys thet start wif "Run"

Delete typed URLs: HU\default\Sof'ware\Microsof'\InternetSplorer\TypedURLs

Shet off th' Office Assistant: HLM\Sof'ware\Microsof'\Office\8.0\Common\Assistant
an' point th' AsstPath t'a non-exissent folder.

Yer own Comman' Prompp Hyar:
In Splorer, hoof it to th' View menu, Folder Opshuns, File Types, seleck File folder...Edit...Noo....
Give it a name, then on th' "Applicashun used, cuss it all t' tarnation..." line, type:
Comman'.pif /K cd "%1"

Fo' drives, seleck Drive instead of File folder

Put a bitmap on yer splorer toolbar: Git to
Create a noo strin' called
an' doubleclick it. Type in th' path t'yer .bmp file.

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